my song on WOS podcast 

A while ago I submitted a couple of songs to the Women of Substance podcast to be considered as part of their “music with a conscience” series…and one of them was selected! My song “his autograph” will have an Internet-radio premier this Friday 9/21! Listen to it on iTunes, Spotify, or directly on the WOS website :)

About the song: I wrote it in 2005, after a really uncomfortable, unwanted encounter with someone I knew. I recorded it only 2 years ago, then played it live for the first time a few months ago, I think with the #metoo movement in the back of my mind. I’m glad it’s finally getting the light of day it clearly desires. You can’t stop the music when it wants to be heard..

Heartbreak in LA 

We all broke up
And we each break down
Endless sun
Leaving town

It’s been a while
I got someone else
I’m okay now
I’m healing well

Leaving my heart…
Leaving my heartbreak in LA

Recording session with WAM 

A couple of weeks ago I went into the studio - the Women’s Audio Mission in SF - to record some tracks. I finally listened to the songs this past weekend…and I’m not liking what I hear. I sound tense and formal, and sterile, like it’s too clean. Maybe I’m used to hearing myself on the iPhone recorder…

I was really nervous. I played each song a few times, and if I got the vocals right on one attempt, I would make some mistakes on the keyboard, I was so nervous in the end, and tired, I just wanted to wrap the session and head home.   (I had an aha moment re: my anxiety issues in therapy just recently..but that’s another story)

I also didn’t like the piano sound, especially the lower ends.  So, I did some home recordings on Saturday..I haven’t listened to them yet, because I’m nervous about the noise level - I decided to mic the keyboard as well because the aux in was just so noisy. I think i actually got the wrong cable…eh. 

work is work 

My anxiety level is up and down and I’m PMSing a bit..so overall, I’ve been a bit on the depressed side this week. It’s hard to keep the perspective clear - I know what I don’t want, but what I do want I’m afraid to show it/go after it. Alisa says to send her two resumes - one of what I have, and one of what I want to do.. I can spend all day wishful thinking, wishing I hadn’t set myself on the path I am now on, wishing I had stuck to my gut when I declared my major..that’s over 10 years ago. It won’t change anything now. I wish someone had told me work is work and it’s always going to be hard work no matter what, so you might as well work hard towards something you care about. 

Discovery can mean different things 

This was a successful week in terms of art/music creation. I feel renewed psychologically. I had a good talk with my therapist..a few good talks over the past few weeks. It was a bumpy road - first I was feeling down, hopeless, so I missed a session; then I got a cold, missed another session. but after our last meeting, I’ve been feeling more positive than ever…I have a raging headache from my sinus that’s a result of my recent allergies development, and usually physical illness brings me down, make me feel weak and ashamed. But not this week..I feel calm and in control of my mind. I feel in control of my life, which is something I have not felt before, nor knew was possible. 

it started with me saying that I was feeling hopeless, and that I wondered how long it’d take me to get better, that I was realizing in steps how much pain I was in and how the past had altered my mind in ways I hadn’t thought of before. the revelations struck me by surprise; i was horrified at all the ugly things that i had experienced and witnessed, mostly horrified that I had been conditioned to accept them as the norm..

then my therapist said that he didn’t think i was really feeling hopeless, and he pointed out all the things I was doing that were signs of being hopeful…making music with colleen; making dinner for my family when they came visiting; going to therapy..

i realized he was right; i am hopeful. I stopped looking at myself with pity. 

I kept making music with colleen - we finished a song and we’re close to picking out a cover to play with

for my own music - I finally took what’s been brewing in my mind and made a track list of the album i want to make

Another new thing: I wrote a song for Davey’s game. It’s Macross inspired so the track is super J-pop sounding. He first told me about the idea a few weeks ago. I told him I grew up listening to Mandarin Pop, which is very similar in structure and melody..and the first songs I wrote in my teens were complete rips offs of the pop formula at the time (early 1990′s). I was so good at that, I could do it in my sleep. Anyway. I was looking through my notes the other day, and realized I had already written the lyrics a while back - and I just need to put a melody to it now. 

I wrote it earlier this week, rehearsed a bit last night, and played the first part of the song up to the chorus for my husband, my voice hoarse. He loved it! I can’t wait to get better and record it this weekend!

download

his autograph